All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses