The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots