Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Personal question. #JustSaying