Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read