ODE TO TWITTER
đ¶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smartđ¶
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldnât find it
Iâve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Husband: Did you put âDeadly Wivesâ and âWhy Women Killâ on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Shouldâve added âHow to Get Away with Murderâ as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
âdaddy this ice creamâs coldâ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isnât the funniest âalpha footage vs final releaseâ since maybe the first Watch Dogs
i cared about something onceâ must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
(cant remember king kongâs name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big