I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”