Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.