“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”