nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.