shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I came this close!!!!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send