I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What flavor cupcake are these
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word