@robin_991

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

@robin_991

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

@robin_991

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

@robin_991

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

@robin_991

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

@robin_991

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

@robin_991

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

@robin_991

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

@robin_991

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

@robin_991

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.