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Page of robin_991's best tweets

@robin_991 : I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

@robin_991: Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

@robin_991: If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

@robin_991: Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@robin_991: I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@robin_991: “How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

@robin_991: Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

@robin_991: My husband left me this morning. Again.

he'll be back after work, but still. I'm getting really sick of these games.

@robin_991: The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@robin_991: Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids