Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You Might Also Like
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
japanese corn
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”