Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
You Might Also Like
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
wait.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.