An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Sponch
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?