My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
🙄😏😂🤣
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do