[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?