[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.