@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

@roboticcrab

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@roboticcrab

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@roboticcrab

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

@roboticcrab

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*