Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.