plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
salazar slytherin: no reason
her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him
me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
date: what do you do
me: im a doctor
date: oh that’s cool
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor