@robots_feel

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@robots_feel

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U

@robots_feel

wife: i found drugs in our sons bedroom, talk to him

[later]

me: [sighing] ok so ur mom’s a narc

@robots_feel

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@robots_feel

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@robots_feel

teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art

@robots_feel

date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor