Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in