The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.