Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Yep.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.