Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You Might Also Like
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?