If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
You Might Also Like
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
North and South
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.