I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.