[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
2022: I can fix it
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*