*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
How is it still this week?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My background check bounced.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude