Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster