Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Breaking news:
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.