husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
You Might Also Like
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
cat vs inanimate object
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”