I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You Might Also Like
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*