i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Lube but for my dry humor.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!