Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!