Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.