Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”