When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Watermelon Boss!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
english majors be like furthermore
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”