Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You Might Also Like
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.