I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Simple
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.