When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Why do auto repair shops always seem so annoyed that you’re bringing your car in? Like I’m sorry I also don’t like that my engine sounds like bees when I go above 30, I’m on your side.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?