For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight