That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective