@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@roostermustache

Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me

@roostermustache

[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU

@roostermustache

Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh

Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*

@RoosterMustache

[enter password]

mypulloutgame

[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying

@RoosterMustache

Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor