Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. š
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Whoa š
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: itās seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobiāI meanā¦brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Me: i donāt believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldnāt hear and whispered āLetās ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asksā.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils werenāt Americaās leading causes of death.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Iām that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think Iām dead already. So Iāll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The Olympics were so inspiring Iām now commuting to work via pole vault