“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.