Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
You Might Also Like
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.