[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
From my Mom
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.