I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Yoga Matt
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I love it all
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Hitlers gonna hitl