When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning