Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of roxiqt's best tweets

@roxiqt : I'm tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

@roxiqt: Marvel: "Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history.”

Me:

@roxiqt: JUDGE: We're gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: .......

JUDGE: On second thought, we're going to execute you

@roxiqt: Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@roxiqt: If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don't like your partner's taste in music. Maybe they don't like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

@roxiqt: ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

@roxiqt: Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

@roxiqt: [God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like... a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] ... and good at shoplifting

@roxiqt: Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

@roxiqt: Due to personal reasons, I've decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.