Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers